August 08, 2022

Who My Shadow Is

I had a dream recently that I kept waking up from, like the movie "Inception." I woke up in a cot right in the gas station, right in the aisles. They shook me awake, saying, "we're closing now, you gotta go home." The gas station was more like my home. A witch's haunted gas station. I woke up there several times, out of each nested dream. Finally I was getting home, walking up to the door. As I walked through my yard, I startled a deer. It jumped up and ran a few feet, then jumped into a strange military aircraft. The strange trained military deer jumped into a strange attack helicopter with a body bag for a cockpit. I startled it so badly that it flew away in a top secret military aircraft for deer.

I woke up to the reality I live, day in, day out. I was hurt horribly by psychiatry in this area. We only have one psychiatrist. People I know who go to him sometimes say things like, "yeah, I like him a lot. He seems like he's a criminal like I am who really understands." He prescribed me Abilify, which I was on for most of my adult life. I didn't need medication, I never did. I still don't. I need real love, the type that cannot be found. I would join a monastery but I don't trust any of us not to fail me at this point. I told the doctor early on, "this medication makes me more anxious, it turns me into a nervous wreck. There will never be a benefit to taking it unless I do enough weird drugs to be so crazy I need it." He replied, "no, this medication can't make anxiety worse. It will protect your brain from the harmful marijuana." I said, "I don't believe marijuana causes brain damage. It's the other drugs potheads inevitably end up taking," like I did. We went back and forth about it until my mother fired him. One day he was so frustrated in session that he threw a pen. Then I went to the therapy mill, I was on abilify for most of my adult life. I screwed up a lot by feeling strongly that I was doing anything wrong by smoking weed, and that I was doing anything right by taking Abilify.

If I live on his taxes forever I am not in the wrong for it. America is tanking, though. The bourgeoisie is going down. That's me, too. I would be homeless otherwise and I would get no treatment to speak of, until I died young.

"I don't care if your world is ending today, because I wasn't invited to it anyway." - Marilyn Manson

You are rats, jumping from a sinking, burning ship, clawing at each other to survive. There will be a war. Let this system that failed so many of us burn. It will be bad for me, too, but if I stand alongside wickedness, even if it's in my own best interest, no one will be able to tell me apart. We could all move quickly, like I am, to salvage America. America is a good system. There are a lot of good things that should be salvaged, and good ways it could be done. Otherwise, let it all burn. This system has failed far too many of us.